No. of Recommendations: 3
Introducing “ICE: Deporter 2.0”
In an astonishing leap forward for both federal enforcement and emotional repression, the U.S. government today unveiled ICE: Deporter 2.0 — a mobile app that doesn’t just track people, it tracks your feelings about the people ICE is targeting.
Forget ordinary surveillance: this app will deport your empathy, evict your compassion, and auto-ban any urge to think critically about federal power.
Features include:
Mood Meter: Automatically deletes any emotion labeled “empathy” once you open the app
Trigger Alerts: Sends you push notifications whenever you feel bad about an ICE raid
Auto-Remorse Removal: Syncs with your Spotify account and only pulls the ads Spotify finally dumped after public backlash because users were canceling accounts in protest.
That’s right: now you don’t just round up populations; you round up your psyche.
All the Deportations, None of the Feelings
The official press release for Deporter 2.0 was short, cryptic, and astonishingly tone-deaf. It read, in part:
“We heard the people want accountability, so we built something that sidesteps accountability forever.”
That’s not a joke. That’s exactly the spirit of a product that promises:
Emotional Buffer Zones: so you never again feel discomfort about federal tactical operations
Cognitive Firewall: blocks all news stories that might make you think about families separated by enforcement
Integrity Eraser: forbids journalists and academics from asking too many questions
This is the digital future that lawmakers promise when they talk about “efficiency,” and the app even comes with a premium version that costs your humanity.
Syncs With Spotify (But Only the Good Bits)
In a bizarre twist of corporate synergy, Deporter 2.0 offers selective Spotify integration.
The app won’t play your favorite playlist — instead, it scours your history for artists who’ve publicly criticized ICE ads running on streaming — you know, the ads that sparked protests among users and musicians alike.
Once the app identifies protests in your listening habits, it immediately replaces those tracks with a loop of government recruitment jingles promising cushy hiring bonuses and “making America safe.”
Because if you can’t feel shame, at least you can hear it on repeat.
Virgin Monk Boy
No. of Recommendations: 4
Rev. Baloney,
Reposting this kind of thing may give you tingles.
But I gotta ask you, and others of your ilk--
Are you O.K. with people (including U.S. citizens) driving without a license, or with a suspended license?
I mean, aren't those people just "undocumented drivers"?
They may never have been convicted of any crime. They may be hard working taxpaying citizens (yeah sure).
They're just undocumented.
No. of Recommendations: 3
Reposting this kind of thing may give you tingles.
No, but triggering you gives me a nice, warm tingle.
It’s obvious that you don’t need “ICE: Deporter 2.0”. You’ve already attained the requisite lack of empathy.
Make my day. Call me a pedo narcissist communist scum. It’s fun watching you foam at the mouth…… and it gives me another tingle to watch you make a fool of yourself, marco.
No. of Recommendations: 3
Rev. Dry Drunk,
You're a strange duck.
