No. of Recommendations: 3
It was a bright red day in America.
The sky was cloudless, the air thick with entitlement and Axe body spray. Somewhere just outside Tulsa, a Make America Great Again rally was thumping like a Baptist choir that had overdosed on Monster Energy and misinformation.
Jesus, barefoot as ever and inexplicably glowing, turned to Buddha.
“You sure this is the right place?”
Buddha, plump with serenity and possibly snacks hidden in his robe, nodded.
“The suffering is thick here. Rich soil for awakening.”
The Rabbi, ancient and wise, adjusted his yarmulke, looked over the crowd, and whispered:
“Oy. We’re gonna need a bigger Torah.”
They approached the entrance. Security stopped them.
“No robes,” said the guard. “You could be Antifa. Or worse—liberal clergy.”
Jesus smiled. “I’m with the Father.”
“Which one?” asked the guard.
“Yahweh. Creator of heaven and earth.”
“Never heard of him. Is he on Truth Social?”
Undeterred, the trio entered. The crowd was chanting something between a hymn and a conspiracy theory. A man wearing a shirt that read “Jesus Is My Gun Safety” was selling Blessed AR-15s, autographed by Kid Rock.
Buddha paused, watching a woman scream at a transgender teen near the Porta-Potties.
“Ah, samsara,” he sighed. “Round and round we go.”
Jesus tried to bless someone, but they told him to go back to California.
“You sound socialist,” one sneered. “Didn’t you say love your enemies?”
“I also said sell your possessions and give to the poor.”
“Fake quote,” someone shouted. “That’s woke Gospel!”
Meanwhile, the Rabbi had struck up a conversation with a man dressed as George Washington holding a sign that read “My Freedoms Come From the Constitution AND Jesus.”
“You know,” said the Rabbi, “Jesus never mentioned the Constitution.”
“Because the deep state erased it from the Dead Sea Scrolls.”
The Rabbi’s left eye twitched.
A Trump impersonator ascended the stage. The real one, apparently, had a hair emergency.
“I will now lead us in the sacred MAGA Prayer,” he said.
Jesus leaned over to Buddha.
“Is it weird I feel like I’m watching a golden calf give a TED Talk?”
Buddha giggled, then began to levitate out of sheer discomfort.
The Rabbi started muttering Psalm 13 under his breath:
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?”
As the rally climaxed with a flag-waving choir performing a dubstep remix of “God Bless the USA,” Jesus finally stood up, raised his hands, and said:
“Enough.”
The crowd fell silent.
They thought it was part of the show.
He spoke:
“Blessed are the peacemakers. Blessed are the poor. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for justice.”
“He’s quoting Soros!” someone shouted.
Security tackled Jesus. Again.
Buddha pulled out a scroll.
“This was all predicted in the Lotus Sutra, footnote 17.”
The Rabbi just shrugged.
“They crucified him last time. This is just act two.”
As they were escorted out, someone threw a Diet Coke at Buddha, which he caught midair with a smile and blessed it into kombucha.
Outside, Jesus looked to the others.
“Well, we tried.”
The Rabbi patted his shoulder. “Next time, Burning Man?”
Buddha nodded. “At least they know how to light things on fire with reverence.”
Virgin Monk Boy
