No. of Recommendations: 7
You have reached the ICE tip line. Your delusion is very important to us
"You have reached the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement tip line. All deportation service representatives are currently busy. When you hear the beep, please leave your name, contact information, and the location of the brown people illegal criminals you would like ICE to detain and disappear into a Kafkaesque legal limbo."
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Hi, this is Zac again. I want to thank you guys for following my advice and clearing out those illegal immigrants working at the Allston Car Wash in my neighborhood. I bet that documentation they had was forged! Now that they’re gone, I’m sure their jobs will be filled by patriotic American citizens who will jump at the chance to dry off BMWs and Teslas in the freezing cold for minimum wage. That’s the kind of work that even a student from England might covet. Just not this student from England.
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Hi, I understand that you at ICE have to pretend to the media that you came up with last week’s raid on your own, but I know my 10 increasingly shrill phone calls alerting you to the wave of criminal buffing and polishing on Cambridge Street was the real reason. And I’m proud of my part, even as I’m happy to let the guys in the masks take the credit, wink-wink. But a shout-out of acknowledgement would be nice. Or an email. How about a text? Hello?
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And another thing. Since I went onto X and bragged about bringing the righteous hammer of Stephen Miller’s cold justice down on those vermin, I’ve become a pariah at my college. The custodial staff won’t clean the rotten fruit off my door, and there are even posters up around campus calling me a fascist! But did you know that more than 40 percent of the undergraduates at Boston University are international students? Do you really think all of them have their papers in order? I bet a lot of them don’t, and I think you should look into that. Like that Danish graduate student down the hall from me with the “Free Greta Thunberg” poster on his door. Or that hot Korean sociology major at last month’s mixer who told me to get lost when I tried to sign her up for the Republican Club. I bet she’d look at me differently if she knew I had the full punitive force of the US government on my side! Maybe you can lend me one of your uniforms?
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Me again. I have another tip for you. Uber drivers. They can’t all be unemployed IT guys trying to make ends meet, or copywriters driven into poverty by AI. I was in an Uber the other day — never a Lyft; that’s for girls — and I could barely understand a word the driver said! Don’t people have to speak the King’s English to get a job in this country? I’d give you his name, but he was white. Come to think of it, maybe he was just from Maine.
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I just realized something: Dogs can be immigrants, too! They’re all over my neighborhood, being walked by clearly undocumented workers and leaving their illegal poops all over the sidewalk outside my building. Just look at some of the breeds. Maltese? French Bulldogs? Afghans? Come on! I say round ’em up, and nab the dog walkers, too. We should keep the German Shepherds, though.
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Hi, it’s Zac. Can you maybe give a sign that you’re getting these calls? Make a “Z” sign with your fingers at the next press conference or something.
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Hey. You guys are doing a really, really good job at detaining suspicious individuals and disappearing them without any due process. Such a good job that I’ve noticed my neighborhood has slowly been emptying out, and not just of obvious immigrant-type people. I guess you’ve broadened the definition of “illegal” to include all of the administration’s enemies: Democrats, gays, trans people, woke people, leftist church leaders like that priest you slammed to the ground last week. (Dude! Way to show some of that Christian charity!) The problem is that the shops have all closed around here because the clerks and delivery people have been arrested. I have to gas up my own car and clean my own dorm — what’s that about? Now when I look out my window, there’s not a soul to be seen. I guess you got everyone at last — congratulations! Well, almost everyone; not people like me, of course. … Excuse me, I think someone’s at the door."
——Ty Burr, Boston Globe
