Subject: Pope Reports Hegseth Is Asshole
Pete Hegseth, the U.S. defense secretary, has asked the American people to pray “every day, on bended knee” for a military victory in the Middle East “in the name of Jesus Christ.”

Pope Leo XIV, the first U.S.-born pontiff, has a starkly different take on what should be done in Jesus’s name.

In a homily during a Mass on Thursday morning before Easter, the pope said that the Christian mission has often been “distorted by a desire for domination, entirely foreign to the way of Jesus Christ.”

Happy Easter, WhiskeyLeaks! The first American-born pope wants you to know that his boss thinks you’re a piece of shit.