Subject: OT: A little levity
It's the weekend and the bubble remains intact, so what the hell?
“Capitalism without bankruptcy is like Christianity without hell.”
—Frank Borman
"You are neither right nor wrong because the crowd disagrees with you. You are right because your data and reasoning are right."
"As far as you are concerned, the stock market does not exist. Ignore it."
"Unless you can watch your stock holding decline by 50% without becoming panic-stricken, you should not be in the stock market."
"Lemmings may have a rotten image, but no individual lemming has ever received bad press."
Warren Buffett
"Owners of capital will stimulate the working class to buy more and more of
expensive goods, houses and technology, pushing them to take more and more
expensive credits, until their debt becomes unbearable. The unpaid debt will
lead to bankruptcy of banks, which will have to be nationalized, and State
will have to take the road which will eventually lead to communism."
Karl Marx, 1867
Voltaire (1694-1778) “Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value ---- zero.”
Daniel Webster,
speech in the Senate, 1833 “We are in danger of being overwhelmed with irredeemable paper, mere paper, representing not gold nor silver; no sir, representing nothing but broken promises, bad faith, bankrupt corporations, cheated creditors and a ruined people.”
Federal Reserve Bank, New York
The Story of Banks, p.5. "Because of 'fractional' reserve system, banks, as a whole, can expand our money supply several times, by making loans and investments."++
Federal reserve Bank of New York, I Bet You Thought, p.19 "Commercial banks create checkbook money whenever they grant a loan, simply by adding new deposit dollars in accounts on their books in exchange for a borrower's IOU."++
Frederic Bastiat, The Law, "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it."++
Irving Fisher, 100% Money "Thus, our national circulating medium is now at the mercy of loan transactions of banks, which lend, not money, but promises to supply money they do not possess."++
John Maynard Keynes, The Economic Consequences of the Peace, 1920, page 235ff "Lenin is said to have declared that the best way to destroy the Capitalistic System was to debauch the currency. . . Lenin was certainly right. There is no subtler, no surer means of overturning the existing basis of society than to debauch the currency. The process engages all the hidden forces of economic law on the side of destruction, and does it in a manner which not one man in a million can diagnose."
Ralph M. Hawtrey, former Secretary of Treasury, England "Banks lend by creating credit. They create the means of payment out of nothing."++
"If the American people ever allow private banks
to control the issue of their money,
first by inflation and then by deflation,
the banks and corporations that will
grow up around them (around the banks),
will deprive the people of their property
until their children will wake up homeless
on the continent their fathers conquered." - Thomas Jefferson
"Let me issue and control a nation's money and I care not who writes the laws." - Mayer Amschel Rothschild, 1790
"When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes... Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain." -- Napoleon Bonaparte, 1815
"The actual process of money creation takes place in commercial banks. As noted earlier, demand liabilities of commercial banks are money.."Confidence in these forms of money also seems to be tied in some way to the fact that assets exist on the books of the government and the banks equal to the amount of money outstanding, even though most of the assets themselves are no more than pieces of paper--.", P.3."Commercial banks create checkbook money whenever they grant a loan, simply by adding new deposit dollars in accounts on their books in exchange for a borrower's IOU.", p. 19. "The 12 regional reserve banks aren't government institutions, but corporations nominally 'owned' by member commercial banks.",
p. 27.- Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago
"The study of money, above all other fields in economics, is one in which complexity is used to disguise truth or to evade truth, not to reveal it (p15). The process by which banks create money is so simple that the mind is repelled." - John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence it came, where it went - 1975, p29
An optimist is someone who thinks this is the best of all possible worlds; a pessimist is someone who knows it is.
First Law of Trading: the market doesn't know or care what we think.
Second Law of Trading: the market is always right [*]
[*] - this does not mean the market is always rational or efficient, it means don't fight the tape.
The market can remain irrational longer than you can remain solvent.
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.
-- Ernest Haskins
1929 Crash/Depression quotes:
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
1927-1933 Chart of Pompous Prognosticators
Chart locations are an approximate indication only
1. "We will not have any more crashes in our time."
- John Maynard Keynes in 1927
2. "I cannot help but raise a dissenting voice to statements that we are living in a fool's paradise, and that prosperity in this country must necessarily diminish and recede in the near future."
- E. H. H. Simmons, President, New York Stock Exchange, January 12, 1928
"There will be no interruption of our permanent prosperity."
- Myron E. Forbes, President, Pierce Arrow Motor Car Co., January 12, 1928
3. "No Congress of the United States ever assembled, on surveying the state of the Union, has met with a more pleasing prospect than that which appears at the present time. In the domestic field there is tranquility and contentment...and the highest record of years of prosperity. In the foreign field there is peace, the goodwill which comes from mutual understanding."
- Calvin Coolidge December 4, 1928
4. "There may be a recession in stock prices, but not anything in the nature of a crash."
- Irving Fisher, leading U.S. economist , New York Times, Sept. 5, 1929
5. "Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. I do not feel there will be soon if ever a 50 or 60 point break from present levels, such as (bears) have predicted. I expect to see the stock market a good deal higher within a few months."
- Irving Fisher, Ph.D. in economics, Oct. 17, 1929
"This crash is not going to have much effect on business."
- Arthur Reynolds, Chairman of Continental Illinois Bank of Chicago, October 24, 1929
"There will be no repetition of the break of yesterday... I have no fear of another comparable decline."
- Arthur W. Loasby (President of the Equitable Trust Company), quoted in NYT, Friday, October 25, 1929
"We feel that fundamentally Wall Street is sound, and that for people who can afford to pay for them outright, good stocks are cheap at these prices."
- Goodbody and Company market-letter quoted in The New York Times, Friday, October 25, 1929
6. "This is the time to buy stocks. This is the time to recall the words of the late J. P. Morgan... that any man who is bearish on America will go broke. Within a few days there is likely to be a bear panic rather than a bull panic. Many of the low prices as a result of this hysterical selling are not likely to be reached again in many years."
- R. W. McNeel, market analyst, as quoted in the New York Herald Tribune, October 30, 1929
"Buying of sound, seasoned issues now will not be regretted"
- E. A. Pearce market letter quoted in the New York Herald Tribune, October 30, 1929
"Some pretty intelligent people are now buying stocks... Unless we are to have a panic -- which no one seriously believes, stocks have hit bottom."
- R. W. McNeal, financial analyst in October 1929
7. "The decline is in paper values, not in tangible goods and services...America is now in the eighth year of prosperity as commercially defined. The former great periods of prosperity in America averaged eleven years. On this basis we now have three more years to go before the tailspin."
- Stuart Chase (American economist and author), NY Herald Tribune, November 1, 1929
"Hysteria has now disappeared from Wall Street."
- The Times of London, November 2, 1929
"The Wall Street crash doesn't mean that there will be any general or serious business depression... For six years American business has been diverting a substantial part of its attention, its energies and its resources on the speculative game... Now that irrelevant, alien and hazardous adventure is over. Business has come home again, back to its job, providentially unscathed, sound in wind and limb, financially stronger than ever before."
- Business Week, November 2, 1929
"...despite its severity, we believe that the slump in stock prices will prove an intermediate movement and not the precursor of a business depression such as would entail prolonged further liquidation..."
- Harvard Economic Society (HES), November 2, 1929
8. "... a serious depression seems improbable; [we expect] recovery of business next spring, with further improvement in the fall."
- HES, November 10, 1929
"The end of the decline of the Stock Market will probably not be long, only a few more days at most."
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics at Yale University, November 14, 1929
"In most of the cities and towns of this country, this Wall Street panic will have no effect."
- Paul Block (President of the Block newspaper chain), editorial, November 15, 1929
"Financial storm definitely passed."
- Bernard Baruch, cablegram to Winston Churchill, November 15, 1929
9. "I see nothing in the present situation that is either menacing or warrants pessimism... I have every confidence that there will be a revival of activity in the spring, and that during this coming year the country will make steady progress."
- Andrew W. Mellon, U.S. Secretary of the Treasury December 31, 1929
"I am convinced that through these measures we have reestablished confidence."
- Herbert Hoover, December 1929
"[1930 will be] a splendid employment year."
- U.S. Dept. of Labor, New Year's Forecast, December 1929
10. "For the immediate future, at least, the outlook (stocks) is bright."
- Irving Fisher, Ph.D. in Economics, in early 1930
11. "...there are indications that the severest phase of the recession is over..."
- Harvard Economic Society (HES) Jan 18, 1930
12. "There is nothing in the situation to be disturbed about."
- Secretary of the Treasury Andrew Mellon, Feb 1930
13. "The spring of 1930 marks the end of a period of grave concern...American business is steadily coming back to a normal level of prosperity."
- Julius Barnes, head of Hoover's National Business Survey Conference, Mar 16, 1930
"... the outlook continues favorable..."
- HES Mar 29, 1930
14. "... the outlook is favorable..."
- HES Apr 19, 1930
15. "While the crash only took place six months ago, I am convinced we have now passed through the worst -- and with continued unity of effort we shall rapidly recover. There has been no significant bank or industrial failure. That danger, too, is safely behind us."
- Herbert Hoover, President of the United States, May 1, 1930
"...by May or June the spring recovery forecast in our letters of last December and November should clearly be apparent..."
- HES May 17, 1930
"Gentleman, you have come sixty days too late. The depression is over."
- Herbert Hoover, responding to a delegation requesting a public works program to help speed the recovery, June 1930
16. "... irregular and conflicting movements of business should soon give way to a sustained recovery..."
- HES June 28, 1930
17. "... the present depression has about spent its force..."
- HES, Aug 30, 1930
18. "We are now near the end of the declining phase of the depression."
- HES Nov 15, 1930
19. "Stabilization at [present] levels is clearly possible."
- HES Oct 31, 1931
20. "All safe deposit boxes in banks or financial institutions have been sealed... and may only be opened in the presence of an agent of the I.R.S."
- President F.D. Roosevelt, 1933
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second......... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S.Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
As Yogi Berra is alleged to have said, "In theory, there is no difference between practice and theory. In practice, there is."
An optimist is someone who thinks this is the best of all possible worlds; a pessimist is someone who knows it is.
"Everyone acquainted with the subject will recognize it as a conspicuous failure."
Henry Morton, president of the Stevens Institute of Technology; Said in 1880 about the light bulb
You want it cheap?, You want it fast?, You want it good? – Pick two out of three
Two Soviet Russian epithets:
1) "Nothing is as certain as that which has been officially denied."
2) "There is no Pravda in Isvestia, and no Isvestia in Pravda." (The names of the two newspapers in English are "Truth" and "News".)
History never repeats itself; but it often rhymes
Heroes aren't made, they're cornered
Be wary of strong drink. It can
make you shoot at tax
collectors... and miss.
Robert A. Heinlein
"All you need to start an asylum," notes Eugene
Pallette in the 1936 film, My Man Godfrey "is an empty room
and the right kind of people."
"There is nothing more exhilarating than to be
shot at without result," declared world leader Winston
Churchill.
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday," divulged the Nobel Prize-
winning physicist William Bragg. "The Devil runs them by
quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday."
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie,'
until you can find a rock," said cowboy pundit Will Rogers.
"We like to think of it as a multipurpose menu alternative." - A
McDonald's Corp. spokeswoman describing the company's new "Fruit
'n Yogurt" parfait. It really hits the spot after a handheld
particulated-bovine comestible.
"They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday," said Robert
A. Heinlein. He makes it sound like there's something wrong about
that.
"The odds are good, but the goods are odd." - A not-so-old
Alaskan motto about the dating scene, from the female
perspective.
"The big print giveth and the small print taketh away."
- Tom Waits
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no
more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch
parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. - Dave Barry
Trust in Allah, but tether your camel first -Mohamed
"Men are more ready to repay an injury than a benefit, because
gratitude is a burden and revenge a pleasure. - Tacitus, c. A.D.
55-120
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the
universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
-Calvin & Hobbes-
"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was
talking too much." - Yogi Berra
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." -- Ralph Waldo
Emerson
"For a list of all the ways
technology has failed
to improve the quality of life,
please press 3."
-- Alice Kahn
"You will find that the State is the kind of organization which,
though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
(1908- ) Canadian-born economist, Harvard professor
"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert,
in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand."
-- Milton Friedman
(1912-) Nobel Prize-winning economist, economic advisor to President Ronald
Reagan, "ultimate guru of the free-market system"
The situation of Ted Koppel telling Michael Eisner that he was indispensable at ABC reminded one newsman of the sage advice once given by Bonanno crime family underboss “Lefty” Ruggiero: “you never embarrass the boss. If you embarrass the boss, he kills you”.
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has
its limits." - Albert Einstein
"Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life."
"I feel that there is a world market for as many as five computers" Thomas Watson, IBM corp. - 1943
"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future by the year 2000, may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons"
Popular Mechanics, March 1949
"There is no reason why anyone would want a computer in their home" Ken Olson, DEC, 1977
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates, 1981
..."I took the initiative in creating the Internet"...
Vice President Al Gore, 1999 - I wonder what we were using from 1970 until 1999... :-)
Wirth's Law: Software gets slower faster than Hardware gets faster!
Reflections on government...
GOVERNMENT TRUE-ISMS
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-.George Bernard Shaw
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
-- Christopher Case
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
-- Bob Ettinger
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-- Ellen Degeneres
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
-- Dick Cavett
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-- A. Whitney Brown
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
-- Warren Hutcherson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.
-- Anonymous
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-- Joseph Heller
God is like, so cool. Think of the coolest person in your life. He made that person. And he's cooler than that.
-- Justine Bateman
The White House has always attracted the mentally ill.
-- Vincent Charles, Secret Service Agent
explaining why security was hightened around the White House
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
-- Donald A. Metz
I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.
-- Kevin Meaney
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
-- Jake Johansen
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
-- Paula Poundstone
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
-- Jack Mayberry
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-- John Mendoza
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: duh.
-- Conan O'Brien
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
-- Sue Murphy
USA Today has come out with a new survey: apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
-- David Letterman
If god doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
-- Jay Leno
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner.'
-- Lynda Montgomery
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
-- Rita Rudner
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates
us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-- Jeff Stilson
I worry that the person who thought up muzak may be thinking up something else.
-- Lily Tomlin
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
-- Rita Rudner
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a t-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
-- Jerry Seinfeld
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-- Rita Rudner
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
-- Ronald Reagan
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
-- Mark Twain
Nuclear war would certainly set back cable.
-- Ted Turner
Maybe a few quotes from famous value investors will help keep things on track (taken from my collection borrowed from multiple sources over time):
"Value investing is risk aversion." - Seth Klarman
“If it’s close, we don’t play.” - Ben Graham
Experience teaches that the time to buy stocks is when their price is unduly depressed by temporary adversity. In other words, they should be bought on a bargain basis or not at all. Benjamin Graham
You are neither right nor wrong because the crowd disagrees with you. You are right because your data and reasoning are right. Benjamin Graham
Basically, price fluctuations have only one significant meaning for the true investor. They provide him with an opportunity to buy wisely when prices fall sharply and to sell wisely when they advance a great deal. At other times he will do better if he forgets about the stock market and pays attention to his dividend returns and to the operating results of his companies." Benjamin Graham
The risk of paying too high a price for good-quality stocks – while a real one – is not the chief hazard confronting the average buyer of securities. Observation over many years has taught us that the chief losses to investors come from the purchase of low-quality securities at times of favorable business conditions. The purchasers view the current good earnings as equivalent to “earning power” and assume that prosperity is synonymous with safety. - Benjamin Graham
Even with a margin [of safety] in the investor’s favor, an individual security may work out badly. For the margin guarantees only that he has a better chance for profit than for loss – not that loss is impossible. But as the number of such commitments is increased the more certain does it become that the aggregate of the profits will exceed the aggregate of the losses. - Benjamin Graham
Since no investor is infallible and no investment is perfect, there is considerable merit in being able to change one’s mind. Seth Klarman
The best opportunities arise when other investors act unwisely thereby creating rewards for those who act intelligently. When others are willing to overpay for a security, they allow value investors to sell at premium prices or sell short at overvalued levels. When others panic and sell at prices far below underlying business value, they create buying opportunities for value investors. Seth Klarman
It is impossible to produce a superior performance unless you do something different from the majority. – John Templeton
To buy when others are despondently selling and to sell wehn others are greedily buying requires the greatest fortitude, even while offering the greatest reward. - John Templeton
The time to buy a stock is when the short-term owners have finished their selling, and the time to sell a stock is often when short-term owners have finished their buying. - John Templeton
The time to sell an asset is when you have found a much better bargain to replace it. - John Templeton
Never adopt permanently any type of asset or any selection method. Try to stay flexible, open-minded and sekptical. Long-term top results are achieved only by changing from popular to unpopular the types of securities you favor and your methods of selection. - John Templeton
The most crucial factor in trading is developing the appropriate reaction to price fluctuations. Investors must learn to resist fear, the tendency to panic when prices are falling, and greed, the tendency to become overly enthusiastic when prices are rising. One half of trading involves learning to buy. In my view, investors should usually refrain from purchasing a ‘full position’ (the maximum dollar commitment they intend to make) in a given security all at once. Those who fail to heed this advice may be compelled to watch a subsequent price decline helplessly, with no buying power in reserve. Buying a partial position leaves reserves that permit investors to ‘average down’, lowering their average cost per share, if prices decline. Seth Klarman
Evaluating your own willingness to average down can help you distinguish prospective investments from speculations. If the security you are considering is truly a good investment, not a speculation, you certainly want to own more at lower prices. If, prior to purchase you realise that you are unwilling to average down then you probably should not make the purchase in the first place. Seth Klarman
Many investors are able to spot a bargain but have a harder time knowing when to sell. One reason is the difficulty of knowing precisely what an investment is worth. An investors buys with a range of value in mind at a price that provides a considerable margin of safety. As the market price appreciates, however, that safety margin decreases; the potential return diminishes, and the downside risk increases. Not knowing the exact value of the investment, it is understandable that an investor cannot be as confident in the sell decision as he or she was in the purchase decision. Seth Klarman
Decisions to sell, like decisions to buy, must be based upon underlying business value. Exactly when to sell or buy depends on the alternative opportunities that are available. Should you hold for a partial or complete value realisation for example? It would be foolish to hold out for an extra fraction of a point of gain in a stock selling just below underlying value when the market offers many bargains. By contrast, you would not want to sell a stock at a gain (and pay taxes on it) if it were still significantly undervalued and if there were no better bargains available. Seth Klarman
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
* * * *
I could tell you a TCP joke, but I'd have to keep repeating it until you got it.
* * * *
You can't use puns with kleptomaniacs because they take everything literally.
* * * *
Know any sodium jokes?
Na.
* * * *
Two guys walk into a bar. The first says "Give me a glass of H2O." The second says "Give me a glass of H2O too."
The second guy dies.
* * * *
Headline: Standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician.
* * * *
Q: Which is better, chess or sex?
A: It depends on the position.
* * * *
There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
* * * *
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure
* * * *
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ?
The logician replies: "yes".
* * * *
Lenins' tomb is a communist plot.
* * * *
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
* * * *
Descartes walked in to a bar. Barkeep asks " Do you want a drink?"
Descartes says "I think not," and poof. He's gone.
* * * *
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!
* * * *
A philosopher says to a linguist "What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?" and the linguist replied "They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions".
* * * *
There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
* * * *
And special for this board:
An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.
The engineer says, "we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow."
The chemist says, "with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane."
The economist says, "okay let's assume we have a boat..."
What do you get when you cross a mafioso with a deconstructionist?
An answer you can't understand.
Two Soviet Russian epithets:
1) "Nothing is as certain as that which has been officially denied."
2) "There is no Pravda in Isvestia, and no Isvestia in Pravda." (The names of the two newspapers in English are "Truth" and "News".)
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
COMPUTERS & TECHNOLOGY
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman & founder of Digital Equipment Co, 1977
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come to work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Apple... What a Dumb Name for a computer company."
- Glen A. Williamson, deciding between a Sol-20 computer kit & an Apple II, 1979.
“640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981.
"The Transistor is a passing fad."
- Dr. William J. Barclay, EE Department NCSU, 1969.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M "Post-It" Pads
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
- Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one."
- Dr. W.C. Heuper of the National Cancer Institute, as quoted in the New York Times on April 14, 1954.
"For the majority of People, smoking has a beneficial effect."
- Dr. Ian G. Macdonald, Los Angeles surgeon, quoted in "Newsweek", Nov. 8th 1963.
"The SBIR respondent's [Williamson] proposal is rejected because of his lack of prior experience dealing with automotive lane trackers."
- USDOT/SBIR evaluator's rejection of SBIR submission: of the only two published papers on the subject, at the time, both had the respondent's name on them.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed."
- Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The telephone will be used to inform people that a telegram has been sent."
- Alexander Graham Bell.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
ACTORS
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Can't dance. Can't act. Can sing a little."
- Notes from Fred Astaire's screen test.
T r u i s m s
• The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity. (not necessarily in that order)
• If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Finding a job is easy, if you already have one.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is Research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• The light at the end of the tunnel is probably the headlight of an approaching train.
• Computer Simulation: Garbage in, Gospel Out!
If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is Atheism really a non-prophet organization?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing bed sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
If a man shouts in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
...
• There are only two ways to handle a Woman, and nobody knows what they are.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• When the chips are down, the buffalos are empty.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is fool-proof, to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• My mind is Like A Steel Trap - Rusty, and Illegal In 37 States.
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
• Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Why are you only successful at doing something on your last attempt?
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that years incoming freshmen.
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
They have always had cable.
There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?," "I'd walked a mile for a Camel, or "de plane! de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
The English Language?
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
GEORGE CARLINISMS
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time -- why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
ERROR MESSAGES IN HAIKU
IF, INSTEAD OF CRYPTIC TEXT STRINGS, YOUR COMPUTER PRODUCED
ERROR MESSAGES IN HAIKU:
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
Dies so beautifully.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down.
That which you seek
Cannot be located
But endless others exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.
Aborted effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence;
"My Novel" not found.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
You are attempting a journey
Along a muddled path
File Not Found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All Shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
BILL GATES' 11 RULES THAT STUDENTS DO NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL
In Bill Gates' new book (Business @ The Speed of Thought), he lays out 11 rules that students do not learn in high school or college, but should. He argues that our feel-good, politically-correct teachings have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality who are set up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1 - Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2 - The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3 - You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4 - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5 - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different
word for burger flipping, they called it opportunity.
RULE 6 - If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, So don't whine about your mistakes,
learn from them.
RULE 7 - Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to
you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the
parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the clothes in your own room.
RULE 8 - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not.
In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they will ask as many times as
you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to
ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9 - Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few
employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10 -Television is NOT real life! In real life people actually have to leave the coffee
shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11 - Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Top 45 Oxymorons
________________________________________
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
..
BEST T-SHIRTS OF THE SUMMER
(from "Bob Levey's Washington")
1. (Around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2. My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
3. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
4. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
5. Senior Citizen: "Just Give Me My Discount."
6. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
7. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
8. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
9. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
10. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
11. Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money
12. IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
13. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
14. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
..
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
How'd she get this job?
And she's not even blond. On Dec. 28, an MSNBC-TV anchor had this to say two days after the death of Gerald Ford:
"Former president Gerald Ford never criticized the Bush administration while he was alive, but in a statement released today, he did."